One of my best and worst traits is my constant need to better myself. I work as hard as I can in everything I do, I like challenges and pushing myself further and finding new avenues to attempt to excel at… I keep wanting to do more, to be more than I am, and whilst this can be an incredibly positive trait, it’s also quite damaging at times.
I am surrounded by incredible people doing incredible things; I see bloggers and online personalities flourishing whilst helping charities and starting movements, and I see friends of mine bagging impressive internships and dream jobs and getting the highest grades possible. I don’t experience jealousy anymore… I’m probably the biggest hype girl you’ll ever meet, whether I know the person personally or not, and yet, I can’t help but feel a little discontent with my own progress from time to time.
I know that I’m doing more than the bare minimum, but yet every so often I still feel like I’m not good enough. I haven’t made a massive impact, I haven’t helped anyone, and yes, I have this space on the internet that has grown more than I could ever imagine, but I still don’t feel like I’m doing enough with it. Don’t get me wrong, I am so unbelievably grateful for the progress that I’ve made since I started my blog… My all time goal was to have 100 followers and yet here I am with 3800! It’s insane and to think that I built this myself and stuck with it, and I’m so proud of myself, but there’s this tiny voice in my head that tells me that I still haven’t done anything worthwhile.
I review things, I spread my thoughts, opinions and try and encourage discussion, but sometimes it feels like I’m not doing anything of meaning. There are so many people out there doing things that could change the world someday, and though I’m so incredibly proud of them, it makes me feel inadequate sometimes. Will this ever be enough?
The good thing is, I can recognise that these thoughts are both destructive, and more importantly, temporary. Yes, sometimes I feel like I’m not good enough, but other times I’m ridiculously proud of what I’ve achieved in the last year and a third. These amazing individuals shouldn’t make me feel bad, but rather should contribute to the fuel for my motivation. And so, most of the time that is what I make them. I’m aware of my journey, and I’m aware that I’m nowhere near the end of it yet, but whether I’m satisfied with where I am or not, the truth is I got somewhere, and that is pretty impressive.
Wanting to improve is nothing to be ashamed of, but you also need to be able to look at the progress that you’ve made and appreciate your growth. Therefore, that is what I’m focusing on at the moment.
Hope you enjoyed this, it’s something that’s been stuck in my head for a while and needed to be verbalised. As always, let me know what you think in the comments.
Lots of love,