How’s Life? | Demotivation & (lack of) Growth

I’ve never been one to focus on numbers.  I started this blog because I wanted to write and honestly I thought maybe 4 or 5 people would find it and read it at most (I mean, my ultimate goal was to gain 70 followers in a year and I gained 3000+).  

So, when I started to grow and brands started contacting me and asking for stats and mediakits and social followings, I was numbly responding with these numbers that seemed insane to me.  Growth was unexpected but frequent and, I won’t lie, it spurred me on a lot.  Suddenly I wasn’t only doing this for me, and I am a people pleaser, so this helped me push through.

However, naturally, over time things have come to a bit of a standstill.  I’m still growing, but it’s not the steep incline that it was a year ago, and now it stands at more of a gradual curve.  There’s nothing wrong with the curve because again, I started this for me.  However, I am a massive perfectionist and relatively insecure, so it makes me feel like the problem lies within me and my content.  Yes, the odd post I write seems to have a massive spike and lots of shares, but the majority seem to have the same reaction, and the growth seems a little… dormant.  And I’ve noticed it have a massive effect on me and my motivation.

In life in general, I’ve had a problem with feeling underappreciated.  Around January I took the (incredibly lengthy) Enneagram test (mainly as a joke), and it described my personality as a “helper type” which, honestly, couldn’t have been more accurate.  I could go into the (shockingly realistic) breakdown of my personality, but in short, I gain most of my satisfaction around going out of my way to help others, and bring them joy.  I feel incomplete and useless if I can’t help someone, and sometimes, if a lot of my help goes underappreciated, I feel like a total failure.  The same thing has started to apply to my blog; if I feel like nobody has responded or resonated with what I’ve written then I feel a little worthless.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t intend to be famous or anything, and at the end of the day this really is just a hobby, but it’s starting to feel like I don’t mean anything, and it’s a damaging head space for me.

It’s made me really explore the relationship between motivation and appreciation, and how much of that you can receive from yourself before you need an external source.  In reality, we’d all love to be able to turn around and say that all we need is self-validation, and nothing else matters…  But how many people can honestly say that’s 100% true?  Our brains respond well to external validation and often a good grade on a test, or somebody telling us that they like what we’re doing is the final straw that pushes us to try even harder.   Whether we care to admit it or not, peoples opinions influence our own moods and, while this can be an amazing thing, it also makes it harder when you’re left being your only cheerleader.

I’d love to say that I’m independent and I don’t care, and in some aspects I don’t.  For example, I can honestly say that my Instagram likes don’t phase me; I know that the algorithm is terrible and it’s gotten me to focus on posting what I like, regardless of how it’s received.  However, I think because my words often come from a deep personal place inside me, and writing has always been my “thing”, I take it a lot harder.  I’m thankful for everyone who does support me, and I hope that my content constantly delivers in the way that you want to.

I won’t lie, the majority of this post seems like a load of word vomit, but that’s what this series is about; the goal is to write what my brain is feeling, and this is where it’s at.  I love this blog, and it’s going to keep going regardless, but I feel like it’s beneficial showing all sides, both the good and the bad.

Let me know what you thought, I really want to encourage discussion on this in the comments as I’m still trying to work out my own mind!

Lots of love,

Jas xx

 

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12 thoughts on “How’s Life? | Demotivation & (lack of) Growth

  1. crystalsandcurls says:

    Girl, I completely understand where you’re coming from! I think it’s natural to feel a bit bummed when your blog isn’t performing as well as you hope it would, or when you spend LOADS of time on a post you think people will love…. and nobody cares 😦 xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ocean Bream says:

    To me blogging is about engagement with other people. Most people wont engage with you if you don’t engage back. I don’t care about how many likes or comments I get on my blog, as long as the ones I do get are meaningful. Usually the meaningful ones are from the few bloggers who I constantly interact with, having whole conversations on their posts and them on mine. But it all depends on what you blog for, of course. I always felt that writing was my thing so I tend to follow other writers and flash fiction authors, because that way we can exchange real opinions on each others’ work. My views climb higher the more I interact! That’s just my tuppence anyway, but it is normal to feel crappy if a piece you worked on so hard goes under-appreciated.. makes you think your work isn’t up to scratch!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Nikki O. says:

    I understand Jas, your feelings are so valid. We are human and as much as we want to prove that we are invincible and can’t be bothered, things like views will bother us at some point. Its hard cause when you put time & thought into a post you just hope everyone will appreciate it. I get it. I try to remind myself why I started and that the people who are suppose to read my message and benefit from it, will whether that is 100 people or 10.

    Nikki O.

    Liked by 1 person

    • thoughtsfromjasmine says:

      Thank you so much for the lovely comments you’ve been leaving Nikki! I’m trying to get better at reminding myself where and why I started, and that I have done a good job of growing, even if it’s not amazing at the moment.
      Jas xx

      Like

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